I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Randomize
