so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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