just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
