I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
