I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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