I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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