oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
