Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
