I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
