im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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