i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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