You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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