I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
