you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
