I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
