It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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