You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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