I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
