Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
