I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
