Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
