i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
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