I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
