They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
