I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
