i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
