broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Everyone says I win the strip club
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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