White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
NoShamevember. You game?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
