I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
