Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
