So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
