You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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