So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
