The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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