I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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