fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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