Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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