I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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