I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
