i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
