She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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