You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
