either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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