dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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