If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
