"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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