im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
People with herpes should wear stickers.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
