I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
