She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
