i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
