When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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